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LIE #2: It's All Your Fault

So today is Valentines Day. Most of you probably either love it or hate it. I don't hate it. I love giving gifts on even the most random of days, and am honestly not the kind of person who needs an excuse to write a card that expresses how I a day that kind of celebrates those kind of sentimental expressions fits right in with my M.O.


Even though I don't have a "bae" right now, I still enjoy the excuse to tell my friends and family I love them. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a "wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve" kind of girl. A moody musician. An artsy free spirit. A romantic. A long email writer. A card giver. A person with lots of words and thoughts that I am not usually afraid to share. Usually.


It's been a little while since my last blog. Longer than intended. I think it's mostly because I have been avoiding the part of my story I felt like I was supposed to share next. I'm good at avoiding. I have mastered the art of procrastinating. However, I also work well under pressure when deadlines loom.


Like when I find out that it may actually be a reality to record a 5-song EP and release it with only 3 months to do it all (gulp!), I suddenly find time to finish those pesky re-writes I have been avoiding. This might have happened this week. More on that development later (I'm promising lots of "more on that later" stories in my blogs lately....make sure you hold me to them!).


In the midst of trying to not think about the fact that I'm six years post-divorce and my un-wanted singleness is still screaming ugly lies at me about not being deserving of love (see my previous blog explaining Lie #1 for more on that), I realize that what happened to me when I was 6 years old is still quite at the root of what loudly screams inside on days like this. Therefore, I actually think today is the perfect time to share this part of my story.


So here we go.


As much as I have pondered leaving this part of my story out altogether, I don't think I can do that. What happened that day did affect my life in a major way, though for a long time I had no clue that it did. Believe it or not, I completely repressed the memory of what happened for nearly 15 years. Not surprising. #wishicouldhug6yearoldme


What happened is not really the kind of thing you share in casual conversation, and yet as God has brought so much healing in this area of my life, the opportunities I've had a chance to share it - especially with young girls - has led to God working healing in other hearts as well. Even if you can't relate exactly to what I've walked through, I have learned that it may still touch a part of your heart or story where God may want to reach you...and so I'm gonna be brave and share it. He is the Great Redeemer. I count on that.


From a very young age, I remember doing silly things to get boys' attention. I wanted their attention, but never felt I would get it unless I acted out. At church on Sundays, I would actually chase my older brother's friends around in my black patent leather Mary Jane dress shoes and would kick them in the shins. I honestly have no real idea why. I remember them teasing me sometimes. I suppose I likely loved the combination of letting them know I was loud & in charge, but also relished their attention somehow at the same time. #notsuremuchhaschanged? [smh]


I don't remember much about that day, really. But here is what I remember...


My parents had some old friends over. They were pastors, too. They had two children, both older than I. All four of us were playing in the basement while our parents were upstairs chatting & catching up. I think we were playing some form of hide and seek, maybe? I honestly have no idea why their teenage son and I were alone together in a corner and out of view from my brother and his sister...but we were alone just long enough. 


I liked this older boy. And I wanted him to like me. I think even my 6-year-old self just wanted to feel loved. But my 6-year-old self had absolutely no words for what happened that day. I hid it from everyone, never telling a soul. I felt incredibly ashamed and like it was all my fault. I felt guilty that I let him do it, even though I wasn't even really sure what he had done. I *was* sure something about it was very wrong. Even though it "felt good" and I relished his attention, my 6-year-old self knew something wasn't right.


It wasn't until 15 years later, when the memory came out of hiding though some counseling, I realized I had been molested.


It was a devastating realization, really. I felt so robbed of my childhood & innocence. I think now that I started self-medicating the shame & pain by eating & putting on weight to "hide" because attention from guys became somewhat scary (though still weirdly desired). I had a very strained relationship with the guys in my life over the years.


After 15 years of hiding what had happened and 15 years of the enemy working over time to tell me I was disgusting & dirty and that what happened to me was all my fault (and 15 years of believing guys were ultimately "not good" for me) it left a pretty messed up me hanging out to dry.


I have walked through quite a bit of counseling since then, and I do feel like God has done a whole lot of healing, but it doesn't mean there aren't still scars. Unfortunately, I know the enemy loves to remind me of those scars when I am at my weakest state. Like on Valentines' Day (a.k.a. Singleness Awareness Day).



I believe the lie underneath this story that the enemy loves to taunt me with is, "It's all your fault."


Have you seen the movie "Good Will Hunting?" Yes, it's full of bad language galore, so no judging (but Matt Damon & Robin Williams, come on!). During the climactic scene in that movie, the counselor Shawn (Robin Williams) tells Will, the very troubled young man (Matt Damon) after many sessions of mandatory (court ordered) counseling..."Will, you need to know that what happened to's not your fault." He says it to Will over and over and over and over....until Will finally breaks down in tears.


When I watched that scene, I totally lost it. Like snot-running-down-my-face kind of lost it. Because I realized, like Will, I had also believed the lie that it was "all my fault" for way too long.


Can you relate? Has the enemy been speaking that kind of lie over you? Is there something that happened in your life for which he is trying to place the blame on you? Has he become the great accuser in your life? Does God want to free you of the weight of shame the enemy is trying to place on you?


I believe God wants to silence the lies of the enemy and remove the weight of his false accusations in our lives, but I also believe we have to be active participants in this, "taking every thought captive" (2 Corinthians 10:5). I love to soak in God's word to combat the lie of the enemy with God's truth. I encourage you to soak in His truth today and let Him speak life and LOVE over you!


Jesus knows your story intimately. Every part. None of it is a surprise to Him. And He PROMISES to weave all things together for good (Romans 8:28). Your story is not finished yet. And neither is mine. It's only just begun! His story is the greatest love story of all time, and we, dear ones, are the objects of His love.


Everything He did, He did for US. No greater love is there in all creation than His love for YOU & I.


Believe it. I'm learning to believe it, too.



Psalm 109:25-31 (The Message)

21-25 Oh, God, my Lord, step in;
    work a miracle for me—you can do it!
Get me out of here—your love is so great!—
    I’m at the end of my rope, my life in ruins.
I’m fading away to nothing, passing away,
    my youth gone, old before my time.
I’m weak from hunger and can hardly stand up,
    my body a rack of skin and bones.
I’m a joke in poor taste to those who see me;
    they take one look and shake their heads.

26-29 Help me, oh help me, God, my God,
    save me through your wonderful love;
Then they’ll know that your hand is in this,
    that you, God, have been at work.
Let them curse all they want;
    you do the blessing.
Let them be jeered by the crowd when they stand up,
    followed by cheers for me, your servant.
Dress my accusers in clothes dirty with shame,
    discarded and humiliating old ragbag clothes.

30-31 My mouth’s full of great praise for God,
    I’m singing his hallelujahs surrounded by crowds,
For he’s always at hand to take the side of the needy,
    to rescue a life from the unjust judge. 


Click the links below to read other blogs in the series "Fat Girls Don't Deserve Love [And other lies I believed for way too long]"

Preface: No More Stalling: It's Time to Be Brave

Lie #1: Fat Girls Don't Deserve Love

Lie #2: It's All Your Fault

Lie # 3: You're Just too Much but Never Quite Enough

Lie #4: You Are Invisible 

Lie #5: Divorced = Disqualified

Lie #6: You Are Broken & Useless





Comments Section

So proud of you, girl! Own it! God's got great things in store for you! Hugs and love from Valpo. ..

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